oh tis not in grief to harm me; while thy love is left to me

earlier this evening my sister wandered out of the den and asked me if i'd known a girl who went to baylor (another private school in the chattanooga area). the name didn't sound familiar and i told her so.

the girl my sister asked me about was a graduating senior who died at 12:53 this morning in a single car accident. there was allegedly alcohol involved.

initially my response was to ask my sister if she was sure she wanted to get her driver's license on tuesday? like really positive? like i hear chattanooga public transport is kind of on the up-and-up.

now sitting in my bed with the people i love nestled into their beds around me i find myself overcome with grief for this girl i do not know.

i don't know what it stemmed from - empathy or morbid curiosity - but i found myself on her facebook page. i scrolled through the countless posts from friends, family and peers. the condolences, the assurance of prayers, the guarantees of citizenship in the kingdom - they did bring me a measure of solace.

but there it a part of me that cannot help but to feel drowned in sorrow. even for this girl i do not know. as i sit here, mere days from getting married, another family's world has been ripped apart.

and this juxtaposition. this dichotomy. while it does not rob me of my joy - it makes me intimately and frighteningly aware of how precious this all is.

i often times approach life on this earth with such triviality.

of course i should graduate high school.
and go to college.
and be surrounded by people i love.
and get tickets to the national championship.
and meet the love of my life.
and get an incredible job in a cool city.

i am blessed beyond my own comprehension.

and so, sweet girl, i hope that you are nestled in the lap of our sweet Daddy.
i hope there are pretty wildflower gardens and all your favorite disney roller coaster rides and all your favorite snacks that you like to sneak into movies.

i hope you and Jesus play marco polo in the ocean.

i hope you know as i sit here and weep for the brevity of your life here on earth; that you have made me aware of all that i am experiencing.

i was never promised any of this.
there are no chapters in scripture which
declare my entitlement to
a full, rich life.

Father God please let me respond accordingly.

the chosen fellowship of the dragon tattoo

Sometimes when I'm really immersed in a piece of fiction, as I am currently with Steig Larsson's The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series*, I realize how easily influenced I am by fiction authors. In that I become crazy when I read them.

I've always had an extremely empathetic relationship with fictive characters. This can be demonstrated through my firm belief that my slayer abilities will keep me safe during night runs. Or the utter devastation I was forced to combat sophomore year when the Lord of the Rings film trilogy concluded and I was made aware that I was indeed not a part of the fellowship of the ring. These seem like triflingly funny anecdotes meant to iterate my obsession with, for lack of a better term, various character phenomena. But it's so much more than that. There are demonstrable mood and personality alterations.

So I was not at all surprised when, as I read this book, I began to model characteristics demonstrated by the female protagonist of the book. This is somewhat unfortunate as Lisbeth Salander is an asocial computer hacker with a proclivity for violence and a possible case of Asperger's syndrome. Although much of the book is about her sociopathic inability to engage in trusting relationships with the people around her, I cannot help but be drawn to her vitriolic reaction to the repression (physically and emotionally) of women. While I don't agree with the violent ways this reaction often manifests itself it's somewhat encouraging to read about a female character who adheres, strongly, to her own self-discovered convictions. I won't offer texual support of this claim from the book because I want you all to read it.

Again, I promise I'll start talking about my own life again.

I think I may have begun to perceive this blog as an esoteric space in which the audience is people like Carey Mulligan's character from An Education, Willow Rosenberg and Dave Eggers.

I hope Sarah Jackson isn't this weird.

*I know everybody is reading it. Shut up. It's AWESOME.

finally some reading time

hehe.

"if any one faculty of our nature may be called more wonderful than the rest, i do think it is memory. there seems something more speakingly incomprehensible in the powers, the failures, the inequalities of memory, than in any other of our intelligences. the memory is sometimes so retentive, so serviceable, so obedient - at others, so bewildered and so weak - and at others again, so tyrannic, so beyond control! - we are to be sure a miracle every way - but our powers of recollecting and of forgetting, do seem peculiarly past finding out."

fanny - mansfield park

less is more.

i promise one day i'll have some original thoughts again. but today is not that day.

i've gotten obsessed with minimalist movie and television prints. the more minimal the aesthetic the better. my favorite is this set by an artist on flickr named bee combs. they're stephen king films. i don't know if i love the carrie, pet semetary or it one the best. they're all so cool.

as is this set of four alfred hitchcock posters. these are a little more embellished but i LOVE the interpretation of the birds.

then there's these which is just another representation of the aesthetic from various artists. the jurassic park one is so sweet. and i love the retro feel of the dark knight one.

one day i will master photoshop and become a minimalist buffy poster making machine.

the knots in the laces

also, my oscar picks:
best picture - the hurt locker
best director - katheryn biglow, "the hurt locker"
best actor - jeff bridges, "crazy heart"
best actress - carey mulligan, "an education"
best supporting actor - christoph waltz, "inglourious basterds"
best supporting actress - mo'nique, "precious: based on the novel push by sapphire"
animated feature film - UP
art direction - avatar
cinematography - avatar
costume design - NINE
documentary (feature) - food, inc.
documentary (short subject) - china's unnatural disaster: the tears of sichaun province
film editing - avatar
foreign language film - the white ribbon
makeup - star trek
music (original score) - michael glacchino, "UP"
music (original song) - ryan bingham and t bone burnett - "the weary kind","crazy heart"
short film (animated) - a matter of loaf and death
short film (live action) - the new tenants
sound editing - avatar
sound mixing - avatar
visual effects - avatar
writing (adapted screenplay) - nick hornby, "an education"
writing (original screenplay) - quentin tarantino, "inglourious basterds"

a few of those are random guesses. and i pretty much envision "avatar" sweeping any category that pertains to technological proficiency.

is it better to have loved and lost?

hang in there anna.

{ also, i love your sheets! }

the most girl part of you

i was on one of my friend's facebook pages and

found a link to a film that a usc graduate student

was working on entitled the most girl part of you.

turns out that the film

is to be based on a short story by amy hempel.

there is a full pdf version of the story here.

i love the conclusion.

the final paragraph is really poignant.

probably should've been a journal entry

i looked through the pictures i took

when we went to new york last year

and found this one.

it's of a grocery store.

suffice to say i shall never be contented by another grocery store ever again.

and it's not like they didn't have oreos. because they did. but there was also compelling architecture and large scale orchid topiaries.

my sweet fiancée spent the entire evening looking

at places we could go in paris for our honeymoon.

now i have another thing to proffer when people

snidely ask me "how'd you know you wanted to marry him?"

in this voice like maybe i hadn't thought about it

before they so sagely brought it to my attention.

i've always been obsessed with parisian culture

something which was amplified infinity-fold when i

started reading liz's blog.

i wonder what their grocery stores are like?

{coming attraction: i made a zine called "love letter to buffy summers"

AND i'm making chris's walentinez present. i got inspired by rylee's craftiness!}

ninestories

"i was six when i saw that

everything was God.

my sister was only a tiny child then,

and she was drinking her milk,

and all of the sudden

i saw that she was God, and the milk

was God. i mean, all she was doing

was pouring God into God

if you know what i mean."

- teddy, ninestories

rest in peace jerome david.

evangeline

the above song was written and performed by sparrow & the ghost (local tuscaloosians rachael roberts and stuart bond). i cannot get over how talented both of them are. i think this song is so beautiful. rachael told me they recorded it on garageband - it almost makes me love it more.

you can download their whole wonderful EP (fo free!) here.